Duckhams of the decade

Duckhams of the Decade !

Duckhams is often awarded at events for gross acts of sheer stupidity and quality incompetence. RS sailors have proved masters at getting themselves nominated, here are the best Duckhams from the last 10 years.

Prince Brothers, services to boat fittings – 1995. It was a windy Bristol CYC Open. A force 5-6 and the Prince’s could not go sailing in the conditions made for them because they could not get their lighting board off the rudder fittings.

Jubby, oh young man – 1997 Paignton Nats. Jubby had been out in the pubs on Paignton sea front with the 600 boys and was rolling his way home worse for wear.  He sits down on a garden wall on sea front for rest. He falls off the wall into the garden, passes out and wakes up next morning in a bed in old peoples home; the garden of which he had fallen into where two of the residents found him. Oh young man!!

Christian Reynolds,  Noble are going to love this – 1998. Burghfield open. Drives into Burghfield picnic area by mistake, breaks mast on height barrier. Rushes down to LDC to get a new mast, misses first two races and is promptly OCS in third race.

Steve Stubbs Where's my boat?  - At the 1998 Hayling RS Nationals Steve hung his wetsuit up to dry by hoisting it up the mast of his RS600 that he'd pulled just a few yards up the beach, being somewhat in a hurry to get to the bar.  It blew hard that evening, and the wetsuit provided quite an effective sail.  Steve reportedly made a drunken comment to his mate "Hey, I can't see my wetsuit any more - ha ha" before returning to his pint(s).

The next morning, Steve’s fellow competitors were amused to find a coastguard wandering around the boat park asking if we had any missing persons, followed a few minutes later by a hungover Steve saying "Where's my boat?  .... somebody's moved my boat!".  Putting two and two together, it gradually dawned on the fleet what had happened.  The boat had indeed been moved by the wind and was found several miles up the coast, bashed to bits on the beach, without any rig, sail or trolley to be found.

Kate Irons, I like a man in uniform– 1999 RS Ball at the Hanover Hotel. We are sailing at Draycote/Northampton. Many of the partners have gone to the Hanover early to swim, have sauna, get ready. Fun stopped though when hotel is evacuated. Kate Irons had turned on hot tap full to run bath, forgot about it, bath overflows, steam sets off alarm, everyone is evacuated but with bath still running which floods 9 rooms.

Claire Cumming, what happens if I press this – 1999 Eurocup at Hayling over bank holiday weekend. Saturday night and a huge thunderstorm knocks out all electricity on Hayling and stops party in Sailing Club. Sunday and club brings in huge generator to provide power as much of island is still without electricity. Party going well and Claire is getting on well with a bloke, they go outside and one thing leads to another, lean against big orange box in car park and Claire hits the off button. Result club in darkness, bar cannot operate, band silent.

Chips Howarth, leave it to the lifeboat– Lyme Regis 1999. Just before start Matt Critchley is knocked out of his 300 by boom during a gybe. No rescue boats nearby so a fellow competitor pulls him out the water. Chips is nominated for being such a bloody idiot and actually rescuing Matt causing everyone to suffer his crap jokes for another five years 

Pete Vincent, for ten years of being an idiot – 2000 Pwllheli Nats. Pete is doing a 400 downwind seminar with 60 people around his boat, hoist the kite to make a point to find he has rigged it perfectly side ways.

Ian "Race Officer" Robson – Having given Race Officer Paul Carpenter real grief at the 1999 Weymouth Nationals Ian has another go at Pwllheli. Standing up in his 400 he rants at Paul in the committee boat that he can lay the windward mark on port, does Paul call himself a race officer, my mother could do a better job etc etc. Paul lets him rant for 10 minutes and then points out that Ian has been talking about the 800 leeward mark.

Barbara Ching, soft-top conversions done whilst you wait– 2000 Nationals. Barbara has 3 mountain bikes on the roof rack of her husbands Saab when she drove into the car park beside Pwllheli SC. Two seconds later there are no bikes on top the Saab convertible after going under the height barrier.

The Gnomes, what a pair – 2000 Nationals. Natalie and Prue, the Gnomes, are sailing out to the start in their 200. They capsize and when they right the boat they realise they are very low in the water. As mars bars and drinks float past it dawns on them, they have not put the hatch covers on, the tanks are full and they need help.  A RIB is approaching so they sail into its path causing it too stop; it’s the guard boat and they have just stopped a gate start.

David Giles, anyone seen my board? – 2001 Garda Eurocup. Packed crate loads into and on the car to keep family happy including loads of different rigs for his windsurfer, in fact everything but the board!! Error only spotted when in Garda. To cap it all he then left the foils behind in Garda when he left.

Jubby/Pippa/Pete.V, the illegal immigrant story – 2002 Carnac. Jubby takes four boats and 10 people to Carnac for the Eurocup on his triple trailer and in his big van. On the way back they make the ferry port at Caen early and park in the square and go for a meal. Catch the 22.30 ferry and dock in Portsmouth at 06.00 Arriving back at base at Emsworth everyone starts unpacking the boats. Pete wheels Pippa’s 200 off the bottom of the trailer, the boat is heavy and sits transom down. Thinking this odd Pete starts to take the cover off when something moves inside the boat and out climbs an illegal immigrant.

When they put boat repairing tools in his hand they realise he does not know what to do with them so of no use so they call the police. When the police arrive they head towards Jubby because the illegal immigrant from Moldova is better dressed.

Heather, I’m a singer you know – 2002, it’s the final night of the RS Nationals; huge party in full swing, suddenly there is no lead singer of the band. Heather has pushed him out the way and taken over and promptly forgets the words to the song.

Greg O Brien, how much for your shirt – 2002 RS Ball shirt trick. Greg has drunk gallons of cocktails and has to rush to the toilet, doesn’t make it and is being ill all down his white shirt as he runs through the door. Minutes later we are all amazed when Greg comes back through the door wearing a deep blue shirt. He has bought the shirt someone else was wearing.

Lee Sydenham, hello officer – 2002 RS200 Nats. Lee brings his trick wheel to Nats (6" high). He blows into a tube and makes the wheel revolve; he cons everyone that anyone fit with true lung capacity can do the same. There is of course a trick, everyone has a go and when you blow you get a face full of talc. This causes masses of fun in a big pub. So on one sees him Lee goes outside the pub to re fill; he is tipping white powder into a funny looking smoking device in a town well known for a drug problem when PC Plod comes round the corner.

Toby Lewis – 2003 200 Nationals in Falmouth; Toby like a top crew collects local tide times, tide flow charts, Jim Saltonstalls venue guide, weather guides, studies them for weeks and applies them to each days racing. Trouble is he is convinced the Nationals are in Plymouth and all the information he has collected is for Plymouth 80 miles away.

Ian Pickard for consistent sheer incompetence this year. Winters at Draycote, he drops his mast on his head requiring stitches then puts petrol into his diesel car and tries to drive off the forecourt. Bristol CYC event and he has 10 people sleeping in his lounge on the Friday night. Sarah (girlfriend) has just arrived back from Australia, they are in bed when Sarah some how hits the panic button setting off the house alarm. Ian runs down stairs into the lounge to turn off the alarm. Having done so he turns around and realises that 10 people are looking at him stood there stark bollock naked with the lights on and he is standing to attention. Abersoch and Ian is the only person to go down the wrong road leading down to the beach where the dinghy park is. Instead of turning round our hero hits the accelerator and charges down ramp to only get half way across the soft sand and get stuck axle deep with the tide coming in.

Pete Vincent – he protests for redress at 2002 200 Nationals in the final race. He wins the protest and to his amazement he is awarded average points which was worse than the result he got in the race and meant he fell from 10th to 12th overall.

AND THE WINNER IS

For the best call for water ever.

1997 and the 600’s and 200’s are sharing the same course. Paul Bayliss in a 600 is approaching a leeward mark in the lead with some 200’s just in front of him including Sally Potter.

Pete (Duckams) Vincent